i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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