It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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