Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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