I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
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