so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Is it penis luge time yet?
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Randomize
