The maid of honor just puked.
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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