Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
