My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Randomize
