His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
