Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Randomize
