just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
