just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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