I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
