Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Randomize
