He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
