She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
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looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
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I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
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