I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
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I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
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My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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