I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Randomize
