I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
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