dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
