remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
The Olympian is in my bed
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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