DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
