u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
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