Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
