glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Randomize
