My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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