why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
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Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
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She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
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