Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
be right there i have to get my cape
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
