I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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