Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
