I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
