Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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