Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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