You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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