my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
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