There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Randomize
