Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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