you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
