Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
