I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize
