Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I want her autograph on my taint
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
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