on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
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His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
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I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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