First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Randomize
