someone owes me an orgasm
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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