Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
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