I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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