Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
