I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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