some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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