my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
