omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
