He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
