well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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