I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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