I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Randomize
