shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Randomize
