In America we eat man semen.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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