Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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