You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Randomize
