My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
